I know writer's block happens. It's not really writer's block tonight. It's fear.
I'm scared. I'm afraid to think what tomorrow might be. I'm scared to face what it might not be. I'm just not sure, and I'm trying to hedge my bets.
On the one hand -- I haven't had the Chantix nausea for a few days. And -- I honestly have been smoking less and less, and I get less out of it when I do smoke. For those reasons, I wonder if Saturday is the day I'm gonna quit.
I feel so much more ready to quit than I felt on the 8th of August.
On the other hand... Well, I have tried and failed brilliantly before.
Amy and I talk about it every single time we talk, which is usually twice a day. (Today we only spoke once, but that's a rare occurrence.) She's still doing really well on the patch and hasn't broken down and smoked yet in more than a week. And she's had at least two really wretched days at work. If *I* had had her days, I would've broken down and smoked. But Amy's being really wonderful and strong and logical.
Me? I'm an emotional wreck. I always have been.
I almost quit today. Almost. I was awake, had breakfast, drove around town, and went back home before I had my first cigarette. The whole time, I had cigarettes available to smoke -- I just didn't want them and when I had fleeting thoughts of, "I could have a cigarette now," I just ignored them and went on. I had been going about in the world for two and a half *hours* before I had a cigarette. And it tasted an awful lot like mud.
So... why did I have that cigarette? Or the next one, which I had sometime after lunch?
I don't know. Habit. I guess.
Part of me is listing ways to get through cravings -- brush my teeth, drink water, breathe, distract myself, do crunches, walk around the yard -- and part of me is listing reminders of why I want to quit smoking. Sometimes those reminders stop after one: "Save Money." Sometimes I'm actually lucid enough to think, "Feel Better. Walk Farther. Taste More Desserts. Smell Sweeter."
Let's face it, even though I haven't totally quit yet, I'm doing so much better than I ever thought possible. I need to count my blessings and get on with the quitting! Amy's gonna fly home and whomp me upside the head if I don't get my rear in gear!
And... even though I will miss smoking, and I will definitely miss all those lovely friends I've met in the smoking areas... I really *do* need to do this. I do. I'll save a ton of money and have so much more fun than the tax collectors ever would. All I have to do is stop buying cigarettes and smoking them.
Maybe Saturday.
Maybe.
We'll see.
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4 comments:
Bay, I really am glad that you gave yourself a little more time because it does sound like the Chantix has kicked in more than back on Day 8. I wound up quitting before my drop dead absolute deadline because I just wanted to get on with it instead of feeling it looming over me for another couple of days while I already was smoking so much less. You'll do what's right for you.
If you are stuck for more reasons and have a box of tissues handy and haven't already seen it, the YouTube video some of us have watched is pretty darn powerful, and sadly, it's just plain real. If you want to watch it, it's here, and it's not for the faint of heart, but it added a few more reasons to my list:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u_8BerrJg0M
You can do this!
Go Amy!
Bay - You sound so much like I did a week or so ago. I know you can do this. I know you can do this. And if you smoke, you haven't "failed" - just try again. I miss all those lovely people I've met around ashtrays too, but look at all the lovely and supportive people rooting for you here. I really think cleaning my house helped me get over that first weekend (and I hate cleaning). Getting all that nasty yellow goo off my stuff just reinforced my resolve.
You can do this. Stay strong.
(Now that I've written this whole thing, I apologize for the length. Just got on a roll! -Amy)
Well, it's Saturday and I'm dying to know if this is the Big Day.
When you set your new latest possible last chance drop dead quit date, I was reminded of a Simpsons episode in which Homer was considering buying an SUV.
Car salesman (to Homer): "Here's your monthly payment, here's your weekly payment, here's your daily payment, and this is your gigantic balloon payment."
Homer: "But that doesn't happen for a long time, right?"
Salesman: "Right."
Homer (as he signs): "Woohoo!"
Now, please understand that I'm not saying you're in any way like Homer Simpson -- maybe I should just erase this whole analogy! But everyone is comforted by the thought that something unpleasant is far away. Perhaps I should compare you to Scarlett O'Hara, instead. "I'll think about that tomorrow." As your last chance quit date gets closer, you have to think about it more, and that's downright intimidating! I know!
Here's the thing. You are stronger than a cigarette. I know you doubt that. I certainly doubted that about myself when I decided to follow your example. I thought, "Oh, great. Now I've told Bay I'm going to quit with her, so now I have to try. And I'm going to fall apart and go get cigarettes and fail, and then she'll fail because I failed and it will be all my fault because I'm so weak and will give in to tobacco's siren call."
But, to my surprise, I didn't fall apart. Yeah, I bit my knuckles for a few days, but I lived. And it's gotten easier! If you make it for a day, you can make it for a lifetime. I just know you can! It's mind over matter, and you have a mighty powerful mind. You can't fool me. I've known you all your life. :)
Go Bay!!!!
Well that's it. Amy is my hands down nominee for Sister of the Year.
I really hope things are going well for you today Bay. We're all behind you 100%.
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